Reviewed by Ali

Introduction:
Naomi Stadlen is a psychotherapist who has run a weekly discussion group called ‘Mothers Talking’ at the Active Birth Centre in London for more than 12 years. This book draws on the conversations which Stadlen has had with mothers over the years in this and other settings.

Good points about the book/parts you found helpful:

This is fantastic exposition of what it really feels like to be a mum. Because it has grown up out of the views of mothers it feels incredibly real & meaningful. There’s not a page that goes by when you don’t nod in agreement.

If you have ever been made to feel inadequate by a parenting book, this book can help you feel a lot better about yourself & your choices.

Bad points, inaccuracies:

Some people aren’t going to get the point of this book at all – especially if they are the sort of person who needs a lot of practical advice.

Because it is a proper book rather than some kind of manual it might be quite hard to read in those first few weeks of baby-induced tiredness, when it probably would really help

Comments and other opinions:
The fact that these are real mums’ comments and thoughts makes the book feel more real and touching somehow than some of the other books about being a mum that I have seen. Stadlen is unenthusiastic about parenting manuals - feeling that babies just don’t fit in with them. She argues that this leads mothers to feeling that they are not coping, or that their babies are abnormal in some way, when actually, they are just being babies.

This is the kind of book that you can return to and re-read and ponder some more. More than once I got a bit tearful whilst reading it as I remembered all my own insecurities as a new mum and how I had worried myself half crazy about some aspect of the babies and their development. This book helped me to get a bit of perspective on that very emotional time.

It’s also a very revolutionary book. Stadlen is horrified by the way that mums are undermined by the too often voiced opinions of other people (including other mums). This is what she says about the exhaustion that we have all experienced when our kids were babies:
I believe that the real, dreadful quality of maternal tiredness is the mother’s sense of struggling against prevailing disrespect. The baby may tire her, but we, if we aren’t careful, can exhaust her.

That very insightful thought has stayed with me in the 3 years since I read the book!

Stadlen argues that we need to listen to each other properly & respect other people’s choices so that we can all feel more confident in what we are doing. She also wants to help mothers to feel more confident and proud of the very hard work that they do – I think she is very effective at this – the fact that so many mums recommend this book is an indication of that.

She also wants everyone to respect the role of the mother more, by helping non-mothers to understand what being a mum feels like. She does a great job – it’s just a shame that so few non-mums will probably read it.